lynthia: (Dunno bout that)
Hallie Smith ([personal profile] lynthia) wrote2014-01-17 09:53 am

New round, new paranoia

To recap: still alive, still think about posting but can't do it telepathically, pregnant again. Around 5.5 months. All is perfectly normal.

So, last time I was pregnant, I got the anxiety/paranoia thing pretty bad. I was absolutely, quietly, POSITIVE that if I took any of the tags off of the baby things that something horrible would happen and we would not have a baby. Clearly he would be stillborn or something, and we would be stuck with a bunch of stuff that we didn't need/want anymore and no way to return it. Charles had to override me just to get the infant car seat out of the box and set up before we went to the hospital. I know other parents had a room all set up, or baby clothes washed, or, you know, *owned diapers* before they brought a baby home. Not me. I never even got that "nesting" thing that you're supposed to go through a few days before you deliver, because I didn't want to touch his stuff.

Obviously, he was fine. And when we got home I nested like mad, and everything was lovely by the time he was three months old. He clearly never knew the difference. :)

We found out about six weeks ago that this time we're having a girl. Supposedly. I say "supposedly" because this time my paranoia seems to be manifesting itself about the baby's gender. I am absolutely convinced that the ultrasound tech just didn't see a penis, and therefore declared girl. That doesn't mean there isn't one, that just means he didn't see it. At 19 weeks, that can be easy to miss, wouldn't you think? So I'm doing everything I can to not get attached to the idea of a girl. No pink things, we haven't solidified a name yet, I even have trouble referring to the baby as "her" instead of "the baby." Clearly, if I get attached to this idea, I'm going to show up to the 32 week ultrasound in March and be surprised. PENIS.

As far as paranoias go, it's not so bad. At least I would be perfectly happy to have a boy; I already have one, and he's completely awesome. I have clothes for a boy, I know how to potty train a boy, we've already braved the circumcision argument, it'd be easy. Much better than fearing that removing a tag off that cute outfit is going to result in dead baby somehow. Yay progress?

[identity profile] 2014-01-18 10:58 am (UTC)(link)
Paranoia, the birth of all religions. Is that a normal thing for women to go through when pregs? I assume it is on a certain psychological level considering there’s a different person growing inside you. At what point does it get worst or better? It sounds magical.

[identity profile] 2014-01-18 07:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Yup, pretty normal. The way my therapist explained it to me last time was that your mind is trying to figure out how to cope with the fact that you are creating a person that you are biologically programmed to value more than yourself. It's a weird thing to do, and it's hard to come to terms with. Gives you funky dreams, too.

Oh yes, the whole process is quite magical. Imagine having a parasite in your abdomen that not only continues to grow larger over time, but that you actively work to protect and nurture. Bizarre. :)